Fear

Fear play. Clothespins mean fear to me. A straitjacket and nipple clamps mean fear to me. Combining these with abandonment scenes means fear to me.

I have heard people wonder if fear scenes are less effective if you know and trust the person running the scene. I would not want to do such a scene with someone I did not know and trust deeply. For me, they are the ones that can elicit the deepest fear because they know what I can take and how far they can push. I do not want a scene where I am afraid for life or limb, that turns to worry which ruins a scene for me. Fear of the unknown does not really work for me, new things generally make me curious and excited more than fearful – it is when I do it again that the fear kicks in. It is fear of the known – knowing how much it will hurt, knowing he will push further than the last time, that sets my pulse pounding and makes my breathing ragged.

Serving Him

I never thought of myself as a service sub – until I met him. I was taught, growing up, to love and care for people, and help whenever I could, but I considered this a completely separate behavior set. When I met him and he insisted I do something in exchange for the scenes he gave me, it just seemed natural. Especially as it began as cleaning up after the scene. It gave me a chance to come down as well as to do something useful to thank him.

As our relationship progressed and we discovered other things I wanted from him, we discussed what else I could do for him. It was then he labeled me a service sub. I fought the label at first, comparing myself to others who self-identified that way, or insisted it was a behavior only he inspired. We do have a very unique relationship, but my desire to serve, to be useful, is evident throughout my life if I am willing to look for it.

Serving him this weekend, not in exchange for any scenes, but for his gratitude and simple expressions of his affection was a joy-filled experience.

Welcome

After various poking and prodding, I have decided to start this blog. Thoughts of: Who am I to write a blog? What if no one reads it? Why would anyone care what I have to say? Have been overridden by Why shouldn’t I? What if I want to? Why not? So here I am, to take you on a ride through my world. Hang on tight, it’s bumpy, wild and sometimes very dark.

Who am I? I am called kinky, submissive, polyamorous, pain slut, rope slut, slave, brat, SAM, bottom, and service top. I am a writer, a gamer, and an explorer. I am on a journey to find my bliss, to find my muse, and to live life with no arbitrary restrictions.

What is this? This is where I will write about my journey. I will fill this space with musings, frustrations, reflections, rants and erotica.

Welcome to my world. Enjoy your visit.